When an important relationship breaks down, it’s never easy. If you are dealing with narcissistic abuse – the separation process is likely to be significantly more difficult.
This article is not designed as a diagnostic tool for narcissism or narcissistic abuse but instead looks at recognising patterns and exploring legal pathways for those who are dealing with family law matters after a relationship with a narcissistic partner
Anyone who has been through a divorce or separation knows it isn’t easy, but for those who are experiencing ongoing narcissistic abuse, it can be devastating. As with all family and domestic violence matters, there is a vast array of additional considerations to take into account.
If you are ending a relationship with someone who is diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), frequently displays narcissistic traits or engages in narcissistic abuse, it’s important to have a plan in place when leaving – and ensure that you have as much support as possible. Having children involved further complicates things, as narcissistic parents will often draw their children into this toxic dynamic.
In this article, we’ll talk about what narcissistic abuse looks like, and provide tips and resources to approach the legal side of separation strategically.
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Recognising The Signs Of Narcissistic Abuse In A Marriage or De Facto Relationship
You may have endured many years of narcissistic abuse without realising it, wondering why:
- You could never get it right
- Everything was your fault
- You were never shown empathy or compassion
- Any kindness in the early days faded to control, emotional abuse and manipulation
- Your sanity levels and self-esteem hit the ground early in the relationship, but you could never really understand why this happened
For most people, any of those signs in a relationship would be a massive red flag to leave, immediately.
They are behaviours that are also commonly seen in relationships where coercive control is used, which is now widely recognised as a significant factor in domestic and family violence matters. Coercive control has recently been legislated in most states in Australia as a criminal offence, including Queensland.
While narcissistic abuse, coercive control and family violence are all defined a little differently, the common themes running through them are many. They can exist at the same time, or independently. The biggest challenge for victims of narcissistic abuse syndrome is that they often genuinely believe they are at fault.
Many people who are recovering from this type of abusive relationship recount years, decades even, of trying to work out what was happening before one day, it became exceedingly clear that their partner had a high level of narcissistic traits, whether or not they had been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Free 15-Minute Strategy CallWhat Are The Challenges Of Recognising Narcissistic Abuse In A Relationship?
It can take a very long time to recognise narcissistic abuse. Narcissists can be very charming and manipulative, systemically breaking down the sanity and self-esteem of those they become close to, who are often referred to as their ‘supply’.
Narcissists are highly skilled at deflecting any responsibility for their behaviour and have a way of making others believe that they are somehow responsible for the ongoing emotional and psychological abuse they engage in.
Narcissistic abusers destroy their victim’s sense of reality over time using a range of destructive and abusive behaviours, making those on the receiving end of their actions doubt their thoughts, instincts and knowing. Often, after doing this, the narcissist then projects their harmful behaviour onto the victim, turning facts and reality upside down.
This can play absolute havoc with the mental health and emotional wellbeing of those dealing with narcissistic abuse.
Narcissists also know how to change their behaviour rapidly, and their self-obsession means that they will attempt to uphold their public image – no matter what. This is why it’s so important to manage your interactions carefully. Never underestimate their ability to change tactics if they aren’t getting the response they crave.
Before we look at legal options, we’ll have a look at what is known as the ‘narcissistic abuse cycle’, which is key to understanding this sort of relationship dynamic.
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Understanding The Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Narcissistic abuse follows a distinct and cyclical pattern, which can be repeated in a variety of ways without the person on the receiving end being aware of what is happening.
The cycle consists of three key phases: idealisation, devaluation, and discarding.
Recognising the cycle is crucial for healing from narcissistic abuse and preventing it from repeating in your life. The theory behind narcissistic abuse is that narcissists require a victim to feed on – for their ‘narcissistic supply’ – and that they’ll use a variety of psychologically damaging tactics to gain this.
The idealisation phase (or ‘love bombing’):
The first phase can be characterised by what looks like kindness, right through to excessive admiration and attention. It may also involve an almost relentless level of pursuit, which can seem anywhere from flattering to terrifying.
Narcissists build their victims up and shower them with affection – which may sound lovely … until it isn’t. The problem with this phase is that it mimics behaviours that are natural early in a healthy romantic relationship, actions that a genuinely caring person would also display.
The similarities set the recipient up for a fall when the next cycle begins, creating a platform of confusion and disbelief as the next phase of behaviours begins. The idealisation stage is a key part of the harrowing cycle that is beginning, one that is designed to make the person on the receiving end unsure of what is happening from the very beginning.
It’s a similar stage to what most victims of abuse and grooming experience, where a foundation of trust is built for the abusive relationship to begin – with a profoundly false sense of security in place. This dynamic can also be seen in friendships and workplace scenarios before narcissists exploit their target for narcissistic ‘supply’.
The devaluation phase:
The second stage is marked by a host of unpleasant and often subtle behaviours, which are generally mind games, abuse or tactics to confuse or manipulate the person on the receiving end.
It can be a deeply shocking experience for the person who has been targeted, because it is such a contrast to the first stage. Any emotional responses or questioning by the victim will generally be shut down, ignored or written off with words like ‘You are always so sensitive and emotional – you should learn to control your emotions’ or ‘Everyone else thought that was funny, you obviously can’t take a joke’.
Being humiliated, called names, or having your intelligence or memory questioned are common ‘techniques’ found in this phase. Bringing up actions of the person with narcissistic traits will often be met with responses such as ‘you are acting crazy’ – or that ‘it didn’t happen’. Crazymaking, gaslighting, coercion, control, silent treatment and projection are all common in this stage.
If you are unsure if this is what you’ve been experiencing, look closely at your interactions with the person displaying narcissistic traits. Try to sort something out with them, and you’ll indefinitely find it’s a no-win scenario. Even if you agree with them, you’ll often find a new negative behaviour arises, or that a completely different issue or insult is levelled at you.
This cycle can repeat many times, alternating with the ‘idealisation’ and ‘love-bombing’ space. with the first stage, and after weeks of this type of behaviour, you may once again find yourself at the centre of their ‘affection’. This may mean you unexpectedly receive flowers, compliments, and lots of text messages – all of which once again leave you feeling confused and doubting that this person could be abusive towards you.
It’s worth keeping in mind that these types of toxic behaviours and actions may not be due to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and are also commonly found in personality and mental health disorders such as Bi-Polar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Sociopathy and Psychopathy.
They can also be found in people who have not been diagnosed with any disorder, but still display high levels of psychological and emotional abuse, selfish actions and a general lack of empathy towards others. Once again, the purpose of this article is not to diagnose, but simply to recognise the behaviours and how they can manifest during a divorce, separation or in regards to parenting matters.
The discarding phase:
The final stage that is commonly noted in narcissistic behaviour involves emotional, psychological, or physical abandonment. It generally happens if the narcissistic is not able to get what they want or if they find a new ‘supply’, and discard the person who has been their main ‘supply’. This may be their husband, wife, long-term partner or best friend – who is suddenly discarded, as they are no longer needed.
Other phases will often be cycled through numerous times before a final discard, which indicates they have no further ‘use’ for the person who was their supply. If a narcissist is left by their supply – well, this is often a very different story.
Due to their high self-image and lack of personal insight, being left can result in narcissistic rage, which isn’t very pretty at all. If their ‘supply’ decides to leave after becoming aware of the devastating effect that narcissistic abuse is having on their life, or for other reasons, it’s likely there will be ‘consequences’ for the person who is leaving.
Having a strong sense of power and importance, a person with narcissistic tendencies may decide that ongoing ‘punishment’, controlling behaviours, coercion and other behaviours seen in the devaluation phase are ‘necessary’ for the victim who decides to leave.
If you are leaving a narcissistic, a crucial point to remember is that it rarely ends there. That’s why you’ll need to think ahead and become crystal clear on your plan to get out, as well as being aware of tactics that are being used against you at different stages – both personally and throughout any legal proceedings.
Free 15-Minute Strategy CallHallmark Signs For Recognising Narcissistic Abuse
Many narcissistic behaviours are identical to those found in family and domestic violence matters. Coercive control, emotional and psychological abuse, intimidation and other commonly seen actions in this type of toxic dynamic will often qualify for a domestic violence (intervention) order to be put in place.
One of the challenges with narcissistic abuse is that narcissistic behavior can be extremely hard to prove. The reason for this is twofold.
The first reason is that many victims of narcissistic abuse take a long time to realise that they are being abused, or confuse the ‘love-bombing’ stage as love. Because of the highly confusing and damaging tactics employed in narcissistic abuse, and the effect they have on a victim’s mental health and self-esteem, victims may take a long time to seek help.
The second reason is that many narcissistic abusers will do almost anything they can to maintain a ‘perfect’ public image, and are very skilled at hiding faults or abusive behaviour from those they are not actively targeting. Part of the narcissistic abuse cycle is also moving between emotional and psychological abuse and ‘love-bombing’, which can make the pattern even more difficult to see clearly from the outside.
Here are some of the common traits of a narcissistic personality.
- Control: Exerting dominance over others’ decisions and actions.
- Image Maintenance: Prioritising their public image over genuine relationships.
- Power Struggles: Engaging in conflicts to assert dominance.
- Financial Manipulation: Using money to control or coerce.
- Fear of Exposure: Avoiding situations where their flaws or wrongdoings could be revealed.
- Ownership: Claiming credit for others’ achievements or ideas.
- Revenge: Seeking revenge on others who they feel have wronged them.
- Superiority Complex: Believing they are superior to others.
- Lack of Empathy: Difficulty in understanding or caring about others’ feelings.
- Lack of Remorse: Failing to show guilt or regret for harmful actions.
- Desire to Punish: Intentionally causing harm or distress to others, or feeling that they are justified in ‘punishing’ others for perceived wrongs.
- Gaslighting and Crazymaking: Twisting facts and making others doubt their perceptions or reality.
- Coercive Control: Using manipulation and threats to dominate and restrict others.
- Constant Demands: Expecting excessive attention and compliance.
- Always Needing Attention: Constantly seeking validation and admiration, but rarely extending it to others.
- Denigration: Belittling or devaluing others.
- ‘Black and White Thinking’: Perceiving everything as black or white, with no middle ground
- Projection: Projecting their behaviours onto others, often their victim/s, and attributing their negative traits or actions to others.
- Minimising: Downplaying or dismissing others’ concerns or feelings.
- Geting Angry When They Don’t Get What They Want: Displaying rage or frustration if their demands are not met.
- Controlling Behaviours: Interfering with others’ personal choices and freedoms.
- Blameshifting: Avoiding accountability by blaming others and shifting responsibility for their own mistakes or faults if anyone dares to mention them.
- Unpredictability: Exhibiting erratic behavior to keep others off-balance.
- Faultfinding: Frequently finding faults in others, but never seeing faults in themself.
- Double Standards: One set of rules for them that they expect others to strictly adhere to, and their own set of rules for themselves which they would ‘punish’ someone else for doing.
- Manipulating Relationships: Using charm or deceit to manipulate others.
- Envy: Resentful of others’ success or happiness.
- Unable To See The Good In Others: Frequently talking about their own strengths and successes, rarely, if ever, mentioning the good in others.
- Exploiting Others: Taking advantage of people for personal gain, or using others to target their ‘main’ supply
- Inflexibility: Being rigid and unwilling to compromise, but expecting everyone else to be flexible on their terms.
- Self-Centeredness: Prioritising their needs and desires over others.
- Constant Criticism: Frequently finding faults in others, but a complete lack of insight when it comes to their own shortcomings.
- Refusal to Accept Responsibility: Denying accountability for their actions.
- Exaggeration: Inflating their accomplishments or experiences, while minimising the success of others.
- Isolation: Cutting others off from their support systems.
- False Promises: Making commitments they have no intention of keeping.
- Disregard for Boundaries: Ignoring others’ personal limits or privacy.
Many people who are navigating a relationship like this may still blame themselves and not see the narcissistic abuser clearly because the levels of psychological abuse are so prevalent. Although it mimics many aspects of intimate partner violence, narcissistic manipulation can be very hard to pinpoint.
The destructive patterns of narcissistic abuse, such as unjust punishment, psychological abuse and limited, if any, self-reflective capacity, highlight the need to be very cautious when dealing with this type of personality.
Despite the challenges in proving such abuse due to its insidious nature, recognising these behaviours is essential for breaking free of the cycle.
How To Leave A Narcissist… Even When The Abusive Behavior Doesn’t End There
Leaving a relationship with a narcissist isn’t easy; in fact, it can be extraordinarily challenging. For most people, it begins with a moment of clarity in which they finally see the other person for who they really are. This can come as a huge shock, and leave the victim feeling a range of painful emotions. From here, it will require careful planning and the right support to leave.
If you’ve found yourself in this situation, it will be vital to learn coping strategies, set firm boundaries and enlist professional help as needed. And, as anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse can affirm – the abuse doesn’t just magically stop because you exit the situation.
If the narcissist has left you in a ‘discard’ space, it can be a little easier to move forward, as they will likely have their attention focused elsewhere – that is, once you get over the shock of how cold narcissistic ‘discards’ can be. If you have left the narcissist on your own terms though – you may find a range of unpleasant behaviours to contend with.
Leaving a narcissistic may not be easy, but the sooner you do, the sooner you can start rebuilding and healing. The process may not be simple, but it will be worth it.
1. Set a date and let your support people know:
It’s important to commit to a time to end things, whether you are planning to physically move out, or are asking them to leave a shared home. Either way, it’s advised you get as much support as you can from friends, family, a counsellor and a family lawyer if you have one. Otherwise, you may end up being coerced or manipulated into staying at the last minute, and find yourself in the same place you are today in six months.
2. Plan ahead carefully and make sure you have made arrangements for everything you can:
This means organising banking, finances, passwords, living arrangements, and securing any of your belongings as required. If you have children or pets, you’ll obviously need to thoroughly plan ahead here. Ensure all of your personal documents and ID are secure from them and accessible to you, and do the same with any other items that have personal or other value to you.
3. Set up a separate email or phone number, or give your ex-partner the contact details of a trusted third-party:
Narcissists thrive on control, so even if you’ve been given the silent treatment at times (also a control technique), it’s likely that on leaving, you may be subject to constant emails and calls so that they can maintain a sense of control.
You also may not hear from them or be ignored entirely after necessary communications are sent to them- it’s hard to know. Having a third party take care of your incoming communications can remove much of the pressure, as long as they are aware of the dynamic, and can reach you easily in the unlikely event of an emergency.
A trusted family lawyer can be an excellent choice here, as they can often recognise the toxic patterns here, and pass on any necessary communications in a factual and concise manner.
4. Be prepared for the unexpected:
If there is one thing you can be sure about when dealing with a difficult ex, let alone someone with narcissistic traits, it’s that they love to shift the goalposts. This means that you will need to be ready for the unexpected, which can play out in a myriad of destructive ways.
Maybe you’ve been requesting mediation to clarify things for months, but there has been no reply. And then their new lawyer calls you to initiate court proceedings, serving you paperwork filled with lies and character assassinations.
‘Smear campaigns’ are a standard fallback for narcissists who aren’t getting their way. They’d much prefer to ‘win’ by destroying your reputation than to have anyone become aware of how they truly are.
Maybe you’ve managed to agree on a shared parenting plan, only to have communications stating they would like full care. Or to move to the other side of the country with them. Maybe they sell the house and everything in it before you’ve even discussed settlement.
It’s hard to know, but it’s important to be mentally prepared, even when things are quiet or seem amicable, when dealing with this sort of relationship.
5. Prioritise your mental health and emotional wellbeing:
Experiencing narcissistic abuse syndrome has been linked with several mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, self-blame, dissociation, self-harm and PTSD.
All abusive, toxic and high-conflict relationships set into motion stress hormones, which can make people unwell over time. Leaving a long-term relationship is often stressful enough, but this is multiplied when you are dealing with someone who is not willing to end things easily.
When you combine this with managing narcissistic abuse, it’s easy to understand why it’s vital to prioritise your health as much as possible during this time.
Friends, family, mental health professionals and support groups can all provide support at this time, in addition to self-care.
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After You Leave: Some Legal Tips For Managing Narcissistic Abuse After Separation Or Divorce
Dealing with leaving a narcissist can be overwhelming, especially if there are legal matters that need to be resolved. Understanding your rights and having clear strategies in place can help you navigate these challenges more confidently.
The following legal tips are designed to support you through this difficult time, providing guidance to protect your wellbeing and interests. Please be aware that every matter is unique, and it’s important to get legal advice specific to your matter.
Please reach out to our team if you’d like to book a time to discuss your legal matter.
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries, especially in communication, is crucial when dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner. Establish limits on how and when interactions occur, for instance, set timeframes for replies based on a matter’s importance. Consistently encouraging these boundaries protects your emotional wellbeing and will help you to regain balance in your own life situation.
2. Avoid Calls: Get It In Writing Every Time
When dealing with a narcissist, avoid phone calls whenever you can and always get everything in writing. This reduces the chances of them using techniques like gaslighting or crazymaking (but doesn’t guarantee it won’t still happen at times).
Written communication provides clear evidence of interactions and agreements, reducing the risk of manipulation or misrepresentation. Having time to read and reply can make it easier to stay calm and focused. Even if something nasty or negative arrives, you’ll have time to feel what you need to and compose yourself before replying.
If you are finding written communications distressing, consider enlisting help to manage your inbox. Having a separate email or app for communications that is checked at certain times can also minimise communications upsetting you.
3. Keep A Diary Of Incidents
Maintain a diary of all incidents when dealing with a narcissist if possible. Documenting dates, times, and details of interactions can provide valuable evidence if ever needed and help you to track patterns of their behaviour that is directed at you. This can also allow you to see specific techniques they employ in different scenarios.
4. Be Prepared For When The Narcissist Enlists A Team (AKA ‘Flying Monkeys’)
This may be a factor that you are familiar with if you have been living with a narcissist for a long time – when they enlist ‘helpers’. These people tend to be drawn to the narcissist’s initial charming personality, but they, too, in time, will often live through the attention, devalue, and discard stages.
In the interim, though, they will often be used to support whatever the narcissistic wants to focus on, whether it’s a business venture, general ego-validation or helping to bring down their ‘terrible’ ex-wife or ex-husband. Their ‘team’ probably don’t even know the person but may be fuelled by their stories (which are part of a narcissistic smear campaign) about how awful their ex is. Their ‘team’ may genuinely believe what they have been told, and do the narcissist’s bidding without having any understanding of the truth of the situation.
This can even play out in courtrooms, with people who have been ‘convinced’ to support the narcissist, with no idea of the damage they are doing. This is yet another situation in which having good legal support can be of significant benefit. You’ll have a professional on your side who can see the situation clearly, and help you to maintain your boundaries.
5. Be Mindful That Narcissistic Will Attempt To Maintain Their Public Image – At All Costs
Narcissists are obsessed with maintaining a flawless public image, driven by a deep need for admiration.
In legal proceedings, this could see a narcissist refusing legal proceedings to avoid being discovered. It could also see them acting dishonestly or using threats of court to intimidate their ex-partner, depending on the dynamics of the relationship.
Narcissists may also initiate vexatious proceedings, driven by a ‘desire to punish’ their ex-partner through the court system. This may be done by hiring a powerful legal team, with the narcissist using manipulative behaviour to distort facts or charm others and appear faultless as a way to emotionally or financially penalise their ex-partner for leaving them if they were not ‘discarded’.
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Co-Parenting With A Narcissistic Co-Parent
For most people who are separating or divorcing after sharing a life with a narcissistic abuser, getting out is their number one priority.
This is even more challenging when children are involved because you cannot just walk away.
Seeking the support of a family lawyer who understands these dynamics can be a vital source of strength over these years. Co-parenting with a narcissist can be highly challenging and requires a strategic approach. Here are some ideas to help you get started.
1. Be Aware Of The Effects Of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome On Children
Children affected by narcissistic abuse may face profound emotional challenges, due to the many forms of destructive behaviours they may have witnessed in their parent’s relationship. Just as an adult dealing with narcissistic abuse can take years, or even decades, to fully recognise and heal from the impacts, children may not even be aware until much later in their life, if at all.
Parental alienation may occur, if the narcissistic parent undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent, which will often result in confusion and distress. Emotional blackmail and threats to ‘choose sides’ can place immense pressure on children, forcing them into making decisions that no child should ever need to make. They may also be lied to, and believe what they are told, because they don’t have the ability to discern for themselves what is and isn’t true as yet.
Ego-driven parenting will focus on the narcissist’s needs and desires rather than their child’s wellbeing. It has been noted that some people with narcissistic traits see their partners and children as a means for getting what they want, rather than having a genuine, healthy relationship.
Children may also mimic a narcissistic parent’s behaviour to feel safe or avoid punishment based on their conformity, which is a subtle form of emotional abuse that can cause significant mental health issues. This environment can result in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and long-lasting impacts on their emotional and psychological development.
Children who ‘side’ with the narcissist’s target may also find themselves subject to being targeted – which could be why some children decide it’s ‘safer’ to align with the narcissistic parent. Without understanding the dynamic, this may be an option for them to avoid the damaging behaviours they have seen directed at their other parent.
2. Parental Alienation: A Technique That A Narcissistic Parent Won’t Shy From Utilising
Parental alienation involves one parent undermining the other’s relationship with their child, often by manipulating the child’s perception. Narcissistic parents may be particularly prone to doing this, using it to exert control and damage the other parent’s bond with their child.
They may deploy tactics like spreading lies, creating conflict, or isolating the child from the other parent. This behaviour can have significant emotional impacts on the child and is a serious issue, but can be very hard to address in parenting disputes. Courts or family psychologists may be able to intervene to address alienation, ensuring a child’s wellbeing and a balanced and healthy relationship with both parents.
If you are experiencing any of the above issues, please get in touch with our family lawyers.
Free 15-Minute Strategy Call3. Consider Parallel Parenting
If you have shared care of your children, you can consider establishing parallel parenting to limit direct interaction. Parallel parenting is a co-parenting approach in which you and the other parent have separate households and make decisions independently.
This approach is often necessary when dealing with a difficult, high-conflict or narcissistic co-parent who refuses to compromise or communicate effectively. The goal of parallel parenting is to provide a stable and loving environment for your children despite the challenges of co-parenting with a narcissist.
4. Use Co-Parenting Apps
Consider using a parental communication tool or app that facilitates direct communication between parents while keeping a record of all exchanges. Some courts recommend or require the use of such tools in high-conflict cases. These tools help track communication, schedules, and agreements, ensuring everything is documented, which can significantly reduce opportunities for manipulation.
5. Keep Communication in Writing
Avoid verbal communication. Written communication creates a clear record and helps prevent harassment or control which may happen more frequently on phone calls or in-person communications.
6. Set Firm Boundaries
Establish clear limits to prevent the other parent from using written communication as a tool for control or harassment. This can be formalised in court orders, with clear timeframes for responses outlined.
7. Involve a Lawyer or Neutral Third Party
Avoid discussions without your lawyer, a neutral third party, or a support person present. This ensures that interactions remain focused and productive.
8. Protect Your Children
Be highly aware of narcissistic abuse directed through your children. This may manifest as lies being told about you, good points being minimised and minor flaws being magnified. Narcissistic parents may also use children to relay messages or ‘pass on information’.
Ensure communication with your children remains free of manipulation where possible, and keep them out of any adult decisions and communications. Details like this can also be formalised in court orders, and a counsellor or psychologist may be enlisted to help your child manage the difficult behaviours that are occurring.
Keep detailed records of each instance where your ex-partner uses the children to communicate. Note dates, times, and the nature of the messages conveyed through the children. Politely remind your ex-partner of the court orders if you have them in place and request that they communicate with you directly, not through the children. Use written communication (e.g., email or text) to keep a record of this request.
9. Be Prepared For Information To Be Withheld (Or Distorted)
In many instances when co-parenting with someone who is difficult, or showing narcissistic traits, information related to the children may be withheld, partially shared or shared at the last minute.
This may include information related to:
- When children are sick or injured whilst in their care
- Schooling, childcare or extra-curricular activities, including forms, homework, enrolments and accounts
- Medical or dental treatment given or required
- Other significant information that parents would generally convey or discuss
Most shared parenting arrangements give both parents shared and equal decision-making responsibilities. Even if you are utilising a parallel parenting model, you can request that parenting orders cover how information is shared.
You probably don’t need to know if the child was up a little later at the other parent’s home, but you do have a right to stay informed about information that is relevant to your child’s health, education and well-being.
10. Stick To The Plan
As much as possible, follow your parenting plan or orders to minimise communication with your ex-partner. Have set times for drop off, pick ups and exchange of items if needed. Have a plan in place for responses to urgent and non-urgent communications.
Try to organise a shared calendar or plan school holidays and other times, such as public holidays and birthdays, in advance and confirm these times in writing. Things like this can also be included in parenting orders.
11. Get A Court Order
A court order clearly defines responsibilities and can provide legal protection against manipulative behaviours. You can help to protect yourself, and your children, by having clear guidelines about what is and isn’t acceptable written into the court order, ensuring boundaries are clear and wellbeing is prioritised.
12. Consider A Parenting Coordinator
A parenting coordinator is another option for parents who are struggling to communicate with their ex-partner regarding parenting matters. They can provide support for high-conflict relationships or parenting matters that require third-party support. A parenting coordinator can be hired independently if both parents are in agreeance, or can be court-ordered if the court deems necessary.
What Happens If My Ex-Partner Keeps Breaking Court Orders That Are Already In Place?
If your ex-partner repeatedly breaks court orders, it is possible to request the court enforce them. Consequences may include fines, additional court orders, or even contempt of court charges. The court may also modify the existing orders to better ensure compliance and address ongoing issues. If a parent is withholding a child for no reason, a recovery order can also be sought.
Persistent breaches can result in more severe legal repercussions, including changes to parenting arrangements or additional clauses aimed at ensuring adherence and protecting the rights and wellbeing of those affected.
Consider Further Legal Action If Court Orders Are Disregarded
Consult with your family lawyer about ongoing breaches of the court orders. They can provide advice on the best course of action and help you understand your legal options. If your ex-partner continues to violate the court orders, you can apply to the court for enforcement. The court can take various actions to ensure compliance with the orders, such as:
- File a contravention application to the court, stating that your ex-partner is not complying with the orders. The court can impose penalties on your ex-partner for non-compliance.
- Address issues like frequent changes to court-ordered schedules, denigration (derogatory or slanderous statements made to children about a parent), or the use of children to share information that only parents should be privy to.
- Request modifications to the current court orders to include more explicit terms or additional measures to prevent the misuse of children as messengers, or to prevent them from sharing information that is not suitable for children to hear.
- Consider having your children engage in counselling or therapy if the situation is causing them distress. A qualified counsellor or psychologist can provide them with coping strategies and support.
Please get in touch with our team if you require legal assistance related to parenting or property matters while dealing with aspects of abuse or controlling behaviours from your ex-partner.
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Mediation With A Narcissistic Ex-Partner Or Ex-Spouse
When mediating with a narcissistic ex, preparation is key. Gather all necessary documentation, set clear goals, and involve a skilled mediator experienced in handling high-conflict personalities. Narcissists may delay, refuse to attend, or derail discussions, so it’s crucial to stay emotionally detached, focus on the facts, and maintain composure throughout.
Ensure that any agreements are documented in writing to prevent misrepresentation. Consider having legal support available and establishing firm boundaries to counteract manipulation. If the mediation becomes unproductive or your ex refuses to cooperate, be prepared to walk away and pursue other legal avenues if necessary.
Court Proceedings With A Narcissistic Ex-Partner
Going to court with a narcissist can be challenging, as they may attempt to manipulate facts, charm others, or create distractions. Stay focused, document everything, and rely on legal representation to keep the process on track. Providing records and evidence, maintaining firm boundaries and stepping back from emotional manipulation tactics are essential to managing the process.
Narcissists may even enjoy a legal battle as it offers them a platform for control, validation, and attention. The conflict feeds their need for power and dominance, often extending the dispute far beyond where a resolution could be reached.
Don’t Expect ‘Full and Frank’ Disclosure
During a property settlement, both parties are asked to provide a complete, and honest picture of their financial information. This includes earnings, assets, superannuation balances (including SMSF), debts and business interests. It’s not unheard of for one (or both) parties to fail to disclose everything, which is why Rule 6.06 of the Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia (Family Law) Rules 2021 exists – to make financial disclosure clear.
If you feel that assets or business interests are being withheld from being disclosed during a property settlement, speak to your family lawyer, because there are a number of ways to address this.
How Do The Courts See Narcissistic Abuse?
Due to the subtleties of narcissistic abuse, it can be very hard to prove that someone is narcissistic, but the courts generally recognise controlling behaviours and other types of harmful behaviour, regardless of the root cause.
Coercive control, which is a prevalent factor in domestic and family violence, is recognised in Australian law as a form of abuse. Many of the behaviours that are present in narcissistic abuse have a crossover with domestic and family abuse – even in the absence of physical abuse or sexual abuse.
With more education and awareness, it’s definitely getting easier for legal professionals to recognise this type of behaviour. Having said that, because narcissists are well-versed in appearing a certain way, it can be very hard to prove. Courts view emotional and psychological abuse as serious issues, especially in parenting and family law cases.
Evidence of manipulation, emotional abuse, or coercion can impact decisions regarding parenting arrangements, financial settlements, and protective orders. Providing clear documentation and professional testimony is crucial to demonstrate the abuse’s impact and protect your interests.
Free 15-Minute Strategy CallCan You Prove Narcissistic Abuse In Court?
Proving narcissistic abuse in court in Australia can be challenging due to its subtle and psychological nature. However, it is possible through evidence such as:
- Documented Instances: Detailed records of abusive behaviour, including dates, times, and descriptions.
- Witness Testimonies: Statements from friends, family, or professionals who have observed the abuse.
- Expert Evidence: Psychological evaluations or reports from mental health professionals.
- Physical Evidence: Emails, text messages, recordings, or social media posts showing abusive behaviour.
Having a thorough collection of evidence and legal representation can strengthen your case, but it doesn’t guarantee it will be fully recognised, nor prevent the narcissist from continuing with this type of behaviour.
How Does The Family Law Act View Narcissism?
The Family Law Act does not explicitly address narcissism. It does recognise the impact of abuse and harmful behaviour on family dynamics, particularly regarding children, and prioritises the best interests of a child at all times. Queensland’s Domestic and Family Violence Protection Act 2012 defines emotional or psychological abuse as ‘behaviour, or a pattern of behaviour, by a person towards another person that torments, intimidates, harasses or is offensive to the other person.’
Narcissistic behaviour that affects the wellbeing of children or the fairness of proceedings can influence court decisions. Courts focus on the best interests of the child and consider any harmful behaviour from a parent that may impact their emotional or physical wellbeing.
Co-Existing Physical Safety Concerns
Although many narcissists avoid physical violence to maintain their image, it’s crucial to prepare for any potential safety risks. Have backup plans and a strong network of support in place. Even if you feel isolated, numerous support services are available to assist and protect you.
They Rarely Change
If you’re hoping that a narcissist will suddenly recognise their faults and change their behaviour, it’s important to understand that this is unlikely. Narcissists seldom acknowledge their mistakes or express genuine remorse, so it’s crucial to manage your expectations and focus on protecting yourself.
Staying Is Hard, Leaving Can Be Harder; But It’s Worth It
Staying in a narcissistic relationship is incredibly challenging, but leaving can be even harder. Despite the difficulties, choosing to leave is a courageous step towards reclaiming your life and wellbeing. The journey may be trying, but the freedom and peace you’ll find are truly worth the effort.
Effects of Narcissistic Abuse: Understanding Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
Narcissistic abuse hurts both physical and emotional wellbeing. Being in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies can have longlasting effects. Recognising the impact of narcissistic abuse is crucial for healing.
Narcissistic abuse can take many forms, including emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and controlling behaviours. Narcissistic behaviour can isolate a victim and cause them to develop low self-esteem, which can remain long after a relationship ends. Narcissistic abuse is also often subtle, making it difficult to recognise.
Signs of narcissistic abuse include emotional abuse, selfish behaviour, and manipulation. Verbal abuse, such as name-calling and insults, is also a common sign of narcissistic abuse.
Effects of narcissistic abuse include anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and low self-esteem. Narcissistic abuse can also lead to physical symptoms, such as headaches and nausea. There are many support options and recovery groups available, as well as online communities of people recovering from narcissistic abuse syndrome.
Free 15-Minute Strategy CallA Skilled Family Lawyer Can Help You Strategically Manage Difficult Behaviours
Most family lawyers have seen the full spectrum of family dynamics and understand how to manage them effectively and strategically. Working with a skilled legal specialist will ensure you have someone to negotiate on your behalf, and help you make decisions that are in your best interests. It’s worth asking if they have experience working with high-conflict matters, especially those related to narcissistic abuse.
Their expertise will guide you through the hard times, ensuring your interests are well protected. Paired with a counsellor or therapist, as well as your friends and family members – you’ll have a team of supporters who can help you move through challenges with far more ease than managing everything on your own.
The Good News For People Living Through Narcissistic Abuse
If you are dealing with narcissistic abuse, you may be feeling exhausted and worn down at the prospect of dealing with any further narcissistic manipulation. Take heart, there is some good news. The journey may be tough, but the outcome is worth the effort.
What’s also helpful to remember is that there is far more recognition of this type of behaviour, the crossover with family violence and how it affects those who are being targeted by someone who utilises these sorts of tactics – both ex-partners and children.
There are a wealth of resources in this area that just didn’t exist a decade ago, and many online communities of people who are recovering from narcissistic abuse. Whilst there may not be any specific legislation covering narcissistic abuse, there are many laws that recognise the impacts, including coercive control.
These laws pinpoint forms of psychological and emotional abuse, such as gaslighting, as significant precursors and factors that are at the core of many very serious domestic violence matters.
Whilst it doesn’t solve the issue, it does make legally addressing more subtle forms of abuse easier than in previous times. With more awareness, there is also much greater capacity for early legal intervention than ever before – and much more support for those experiencing it.
Healing And Recovery: How To Break Free From Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome
Healing from narcissistic abuse is a process that takes time, effort, and support. It’s essential to acknowledge that you have been a victim of narcissistic abuse and understand that the effects you’re experiencing are valid trauma responses.
Consider therapy with a qualified mental health professional who has experience in treating trauma and narcissistic abuse. Practice setting and enforcing healthy boundaries in your relationships. Engage in activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Moving Forward
Moving forward from narcissistic abuse involves healing, recovery, and growth. It’s essential to focus on rebuilding your sense of self-worth and confidence. Surround yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences and provide encouragement.
Consider joining a support group or online community for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Remember that you are not alone, and there is help available.
Judy Stewart is a highly regarded Accredited Family Law Specialist, with an excellent understanding of interpersonal and family dynamics after her previous career in social work. Judy uses the insights she has gained to help her clients work through the challenges of family law matters, and is highly aware of the impacts that abusive and toxic behaviours place on relationships.
If you’d like to confidentially discuss a high-conflict, difficult or sensitive family law matter with Judy. please get in touch today to book an initial consultation.
Free 15-Minute Strategy CallFrequently Asked Questions
What is narcissistic abuse?
Narcissistic abuse involves emotional and psychological manipulation by someone with narcissistic traits, like a lack of empathy and a need for control. This type of abuse can include gaslighting, belittling, and isolating the victim, which erodes their self-esteem and distorts their sense of reality, often leaving them feeling confused, powerless, and emotionally damaged.
How do people heal from narcissistic abuse syndrome?
Healing from narcissistic abuse requires creating distance from the abuser, seeking therapy, and focusing on self-care. Building a supportive network of friends or family is essential. Engaging in mindfulness, journaling, and activities that rebuild self-esteem can aid in recovery. Patience and self-compassion are key as you gradually regain your sense of self and confidence.
How to recover from narcissistic abuse?
Recovering from narcissistic abuse involves therapy, establishing boundaries, and reconnecting with supportive people. It’s essential to focus on self-compassion and healing activities that rebuild your self-worth. Engage in mindfulness, self-care practices, and positive social interactions to regain your strength and confidence over time. Remember that recovery is a gradual process.
How do people prove narcissistic abuse in court?
Proving narcissistic abuse in court requires gathering documented evidence, such as text messages, emails, or recordings, that demonstrate the abuse. Witness testimony and expert evaluations from therapists or psychologists can also be crucial in establishing patterns of manipulation and emotional harm. It’s important to present a well-documented case with the help of legal professionals.
Can you sue a narcissist for mental abuse?
In Australia, you can pursue legal action for mental abuse, including emotional or psychological harm caused by narcissistic behaviour, under certain circumstances. However, it’s important to understand the legal framework and the challenges involved:
- Defamation: If the narcissist has made false statements that damaged your reputation, you might have grounds for a defamation claim. This would require proving that the statements were untrue and caused harm.
- Family Law: In the context of family law, particularly in cases of domestic violence, emotional abuse is recognised and can be considered when determining matters such as child custody or protection orders.
- Criminal Charges: If the mental abuse is part of a broader pattern of behaviour that includes threats, harassment, or intimidation, criminal charges could potentially be pursued.
What can I do if I have parenting orders and my narcissistic ex-partner refuses to follow them?
If your ex-partner is refusing to abide by your parenting orders and is continually changing arrangements to suit their needs, you have several options to address the situation in Australia. Consulting with a family lawyer can provide you with the most effective strategy based on your circumstances. Legal professionals can offer guidance and represent your interests in court if necessary.
In some cases, you can request an expedited hearing if the situation is urgent or if delays could negatively impact the children’s well-being. Your lawyer can advise you on the likelihood and process of obtaining an expedited hearing.
You can apply for interim (temporary) orders to ensure that parenting arrangements are followed while the case is ongoing. Interim orders can provide stability and structure until a final decision is made.
If your ex is not complying with existing court orders, you can also file a contravention application. The court can enforce the orders and impose penalties for non-compliance. In some cases, the court may order your ex to pay your legal costs if they are found to be unreasonably prolonging proceedings or acting in bad faith. This can deter them from unnecessarily dragging out the process.
The court may order a family report prepared by a family consultant or psychologist. This report assesses the family dynamics and provides recommendations to the court regarding the best interests of the children. Always keep the focus on the best interests of the children. Courts prioritise the wellbeing and stability of the children, and demonstrating your commitment to their best interests can strengthen your case.
Access support services for yourself and your children, such as counselling or family support programs. These services can provide emotional support and practical advice during this difficult time.If the court is inevitable, prepare thoroughly with your lawyer. This includes gathering all necessary evidence, preparing witness statements, and understanding the court procedures.
How do I deal with slander, lies or smear campaigns legally when dealing with narcissistic abuse?
When facing slander, lies, or smear campaigns from a narcissistic abuser, it’s important to take legal steps to protect yourself. Start by documenting every instance of false statements or defamatory actions, including text messages, social media posts, and witness accounts.
Consult with a lawyer experienced in defamation and personal injury law to explore your options, which may include cease and desist letters, defamation lawsuits, or restraining orders. Additionally, avoid engaging with the abuser directly to prevent escalation and focus on safeguarding your reputation and well-being through legal channels.
Is narcissistic abuse the same as domestic violence in Australia?
Narcissistic abuse can be a form of domestic violence in Australia, but the two terms are not identical. Domestic violence encompasses a broad range of abusive behaviours, including physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse within a domestic or intimate relationship.
Narcissistic abuse, which involves manipulation, control, and emotional harm by someone with narcissistic traits, can occur within this context and be classified as domestic violence. However, narcissistic abuse can also occur outside of domestic settings, such as in workplaces or friendships. In Australia, domestic violence laws protect individuals from various forms of abuse, including those that align with narcissistic behaviours.
Are some narcissists just selfish people, and others have certain disorders?
Yes, narcissism exists on a spectrum, and not everyone who exhibits narcissistic traits has a personality disorder. Some people may simply display selfish, self-centred, or arrogant behaviours without having a clinical condition. These individuals might occasionally act in a narcissistic way but are capable of empathy and genuine relationships.
On the other end of the spectrum are those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a mental health condition characterised by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. People with NPD may engage in more harmful and manipulative behaviours, often causing significant emotional damage to those around them.
So while some narcissists are just selfish or self-absorbed, others may have a more deeply rooted psychological disorder.
